Tales of Mont'au
by Vyce Dryke
Summary: A parody fic that follows the Tau Fire Warrior Mont'au, as he gets shoved into an assignment as his last saving grace before being forced to change castes with Etherial Aun'mont'ukos and the Battleship Mont'Ukos.
1. Chapter 1: The Beginning Of the end?

**Tales of Mont'au**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

This is Mont'au. He's a Tau, a Fire Warrior.

Mont'au: You say that like it's a bad thing! If it weren't for that game shattering our reputation.

Mont'au doesn't like 'The Greater Good'.

Mont'au: Say that phrase again and you'll be formally introduced to my Pulse Rifle. And she's not friendly.

The Etherial Caste seem to think he's something special, as the translation of his name is The Terror. He requested to be transferred to the Stealth Suit La'rua, but was denied because he's dangerous enough by himself.

Mont'au: I'm not dangerous! I'm just misunderstood.  
Etherial Aun'bork'an: Shas'Saal Mont'au! Are you talking to yourself again like your introducing yourself in a story?  
Mont'au: What?

Mont'au sighs, suddenly being reminded he was stranded on the Tau world Bork'An (And not in a sitcom involving hilarious incidents.), in the middle of Fire Warrior training, and he was demoted to a Shas'Saal.

Aun'bork'an: Pay attention to your training. And you may redeem yourself for The Greater Good.  
Cha'd: Aun'bork'an! You fool!

Mont'au twitches and raises his Pulse Rifle. Aun'bork'an looks smug.

Mont'au: What're you smirking about?  
Aun'bork'an: You'll see. This is for your Greater Good.  
Mont'au: AHHHH!

Mont'au fires his weapon, a flag pops out that says "BLAM!" and Aun'bork'an starts laughing. Mont'au improvises and leaps to hit with his rifle, but Shas'O Va'Demlok intercepts with a well-aimed shot, knocking him aside and onto the ground. Aun'bork'an looks surprised, and a little shocked. Va'Demlok fires a second time, and Mon'au is stunned.

Mont'au wakes up an hour later to find an impatient looking Shas'O Va'Demlok waiting for him. Before he can say anything, Mont'au gets the first word in.

Mont'au: So, Shas'O Va'Demlok, about your name. Does anyone make fun of you?  
Va'Demlok: I don't know what you mean.  
Mont'au: Your name literally means great canyon.  
Va'Demlok: So?  
Mont'au: Well that sounds close to wide canyon. Do you have any idea what the innuendo can be?  
Va'Demlok: No, but I think you hang out with the Gue'vesa too much if you find sexual jokes amusing.  
Mont'au: Your not fun Va'Demlok.  
Va'Demlok: I'm not here for fun. I'm here to 'correct' you. The Etherials are about ready to declare you a lost cause and are ready to change you to a different Caste. However, one is on his way to pick you up on assignment, mostly over concerning your name.  
Mont'au: Assignment!?  
Va'Demlok: Well..

Two Etherials storm into the room, one is Aun'bork'an, the other one isn't all recognizable, but looks curios. Both Fire Warriors stand to attention.

Aun'bork'an: Aun'mont'ukos, this is Mont'au, the Fire Warrior your looking for. But he's only a Shas'Saal.  
Aun'mont'ukos: Greetings.  
Mont'au: Hi.  
Aun'mont'ukos: I am Aun'mont'ukos from Mont'ukos. I'm here to assign you as a personal bodyguard with a team of others.  
Mont'au: Uhm.. What's Mont'ukos?  
Aun'mont'ukos: Mont'ukos is a Gal'leath Class Battleship.  
Mont'au: You.. Do know what that means right?  
Aun'mont'ukos: Mont'ukos? No.  
Mont'au: Your prize Battleship is basically named "The Battle Spoon"

Aun'mont'ukos blinks, and then glares at Aun'bork'an, who immediately looks away and whistles.

Aun'mont'ukos: The Battle Spoon!?  
Aun'bork'an: It's also the name of the Sept that's assigned to you.  
Aun'mont'ukos: The Battle Spoon Sept?  
Aun'bork'an: Better get moving, I know your schedule and it's behind schedule.  
Aun'mont'ukos: The Battle Spoon!?

Mont'au snorts, this was going to be an interesting assignment, although from the sound of the name, this might be more of a punishment than a reward


	2. Chapter 2: Meeting the crew

**Tales of Mont'au 2**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

We rejoin 'our hero' Mont'au, as he's getting dragged onto the Battle Sp-Err. the Mont'ukos.

Au'mont'ukos: I still can't believe it. The Battle Spoon. The humiliation.

Mont'au rolls his eyes and pats the Etherial's back, tightening his grip on his Pulse rifle.

Mont'au: So you said we had a team, right?  
Au'mont'ukos: We're almost to the Orca Dropship, the team is waiting. You'll meet them all soon.

A Stealth Suit appears in front of Mont'au, he jumps and nearly freaks out.

Mont'au: It's going to kill me!  
Stealth Suit: So this is the Shas'saal.. He doesn't impress me. I'm not sure this is for The Gre-  
Au'mont'ukos: Don't say it!  
Stealth Suit: What?  
Au'mont'ukos: This is Shas'Vre Mal'caor, wearing a XV25 Stealth Suit.  
Mont'au: The Spider.  
Mal'caor: Ah, so you have gone through language courses. So many of your kind don't.  
Mont'au: My Kind?  
Mal'caor: Yeah, you basic Fire Warriors, just as bad as the Gue'la.

Mont'au brandishes his pulse rifle, Mal'caor snorts and pulls his Fusion Blaster.

Mont'au: Take that back!  
Mal'caor: No chance.  
Au'mont'ukos: You two are acting like children.  
Mont'au: He needs to take it back.  
Mal'caor: Never.

Suddenly a Rail Rifle shot goes by and both Tau jump away to avoid being shot

Mont'au: You missed!  
Savon'shovah: Au Contraire, it got the job done Shas'saal.  
Mal'caor: Savon'shovah, buddy, you can shoot him for me, right?  
Mont'au: Savon'shovah, Keen Far-sight.  
Savon'shovah: That's my name, don't wear it out.  
Au'mont'ukos: This is Savon'shovah, my retinue's designated Pathfinder.

Mont'au gets a good look at Savon'shovah, and immediatly notices his Rail Rifle.

Mont'au: That's... that's a Rail Rifle! I always wanted one of those! Can I touch it?  
Savon'shovah: No, back off, stop touching me.

Savon'shovah grumbles and tries to shove Mont'au away, and in the process drops his markerlight. The assembled team stops, stares, and leaps away as if a bomb had gone off, finding shelter in various places. Mont'au is the first to poke his head out, noting everything in one piece. The pilot of the Orca Dropship sighs from the position he's standing on the boarding ramp.

Savon'shovah: It's okay guys! It's still off.

A an Earth Caste Builder flies by, spots the markerlight and goes to pick it up with it's beam, but the moment it touches it all the nearby Tau weapons fire on it and it becomes a smoking crater. Everyone scrambles into cover again as several more missles hit the markerlight.

Savon'shovah: Stupid drone!  
Mont'au: Hey guys. What's that big shadow?  
Mal'caor: What big sha-  
Au'mont'ukos: GET BACK INTO COVER!

A Greater Knarloc falls from the sky and lands on the markerlight, breaking it.

Savon'shovah: My.. My.. My markerlight! No! Stupid Knarloc! NO NO NO!

Savon'shovah shoots his rail rifle a few times, the Knarloc only sneezes, looks at Savon'shovah and walks away.

Mont'au: Since when did a markerlight track the fire of an entire planet?  
Mal'caor: This is why we don't go to Bork'an often, or why we rarely give Savon'shovah a markerlight.

Savon'shovah stands over his markerlight, sobbing and looking as if he lost a loved one. Au'mont'ukos rolls his eyes, walks over, and pats Savon'shovah

Au'mont'ukos: There there. We can get you another one.  
Savon'shovah: This markerlight means everything to me. It was passed down from my father, my father's father, my father's father's father who got it from a Rogue Trader who got it from his father, his father's fa-  
Mont'au: Is he going to do this all day?  
Mal'caor: He hasn't even gotten to the part where the rogue trader's descendants stole it from Dark Eldar, whose decendants stole it from the Eldar, whose descendants stole from the Tau. It just goes on and on.  
Mont'au: Haven't we not been around that long?  
Au'mont'ukos: Short life span compared to humans, remember? Come now Savon'shova, we need to get going.  
Savon'shova: I'll mourn you!  
Au'mont'ukos: Savon'shova!  
Savon'shova: Yes Sir. Sorry sir.

Mont'au shakes his head as they begin to board the Dropship seeing the Battleship in low orbit, if this was only a sampling of the crew of the Mont'ukos, this was going to be a very long assignment. He also suddenly remembered why he didn't like being with the Air Caste when they were still shuffling him around. He didn't trust anyone enough in the navy to keep their ships afloat.


	3. Chapter 3: On the Mont'ukos

**Tales of Mont'au 3**  
By: Vyce Dryke, 2009

After an embarrassing liftoff involving an Orca nearly colliding into a Hammerhead, the thing finally takes off to goes to High Orbit.

On the Orca dropship...

Au'mont'ukos: Despite it's embaressing name, the Mont'ukos is a Gal'leath Vash'ya Configuration Gal'leath Class Battleship.  
Mal'caor: Try saying that fives times fast.  
Mont'au: Heh. So... what makes the Vash'ya configuration so special?  
Savon'shovah: More Railguns than you can shake a stick at.  
Mont'au: how does that even work?  
Savon'shovah: I don't follow.  
Mont'au: What's the point of the phrase "More x than you can shake a stick at"? I mean, you can shake a stick at pretty much anything.  
Savon'shovah: I.. Actually don't know.  
Au'mont'ukos: It's an Imperial thing, shaking a stick implies a threat.  
Mal'caor: Don't say the word Imperials around me! They took away my family, my dog, m-  
Savon'shovah: Mal'caor, we're Tau. We don't have dogs.  
Mal'caor: Uhh. Kroot hounds?  
Au'mont'ukos: We don't have Kroot on our ship.  
Mal'caor: ... They took away something that i could never have! Those bastards!

Mal'caor vanishes with the help of his Stealth Suit, the only hint of where he's going is the grumbling of his voice.

Mont'au: What's with him?  
Savon'shovah: Too much anti-imperial propaganda.  
Mont'au: Propa-what?

Au'mont'ukos glares at Savon'shovah.

Savon'shovah: Nothing, long story short he lost his mind and thinks that all Imperials and humans are out to get him.  
Au'mont'ukos: In reality his family is still alive, but he doesn't acknowledge they exist.  
Savon'shovah: That must make for awkward reunions.  
Mont'au: Oh great. So we have markerlight nut, a stealth suit guy paranoid that the humans killed and took away everything, and a clueless Etherial who didn't know his ship's name and sept is roughly translated to The Battle Spoon, and doesn't think to change the name!  
Au'mont'ukos: Actually.. I named it myself.  
Mont'au: Is that so Etherial Battle Spoon?  
Au'mont'ukos: Your never going to let me live this down are you?  
Mont'au: No, never. I wonder what else is going to go wrong?  
Savon'shovah: Be careful what you wish for...

Mont'au, despite himself, shudders. And the Orca Dropship lurches froward, and the Mont'ukos looms over it. And the dropship floats into the hangar, and 'gracefully' lands. The landing ramp slams down onto the docking bay, which was abuzz with activity. There's a large envoy waiting for just the Ehterial, lines of troops with weapons in salute. The armor and coloring was stark black, the various lines on their armor a dark gray. There is cheering, as the Etherial is expected to come out first. Mont'au tumbles down the landing ramp instead, and looks a bit dazed. The cheering stops, and the bay goes deadly silent.

Shas'o: Wait a moment, your not the Etherial.  
Mont'au: No, of course not. Were you expecting Commander Farsight?

There are gasps within the room. Mont'au rolls his eyes. Au'mont'ukos is seen strangling Mal'caor, who had decided to shove Mont'au down the loading ramp and breaching protocol. And in the meantime several Gun Drones and a Sniper drone were moving in an agressive pattern, a red dot moving it's way along the bay floor, and several weapons were trained on the stranger.

Mont'au: Au'mont'ukos! DO SOMETHING  
Au'mont'ukos: Huh? Oh. Right. Of course.

Au'mont'ukos walks down the ramp and smacks a Gun Drone aside.

Au'mont'ukos: It's alright guys, he's with me. My personal bodyguard.  
Shas'o: But he's only a Shas'saal!  
Au'mont'ukos: As far as your concerned, he's not under your jurisdiction, he reports directly to me and only to me.  
Shas'o: Yes Etherial.  
Au'mont'ukos: Now everyone calm down and prepare to depart.

Mont'au snickers, takes off his helmet for a moment, and sticks his tongue at the Shas'o. He responds by motioning over the Sniper Drone. Au'mont'ukos glares and the Shas'o sighs and the Sniper Drone flies off with the other gun drones.

Shas'o: This won't be the last you hear of me Shas'saal.  
Mont'au: I have a name you know.  
Shas'o: You are below me. I do not need your name.  
Mont'au: Well I hope you remember it. I'm Mont'au, and don't you mess with me.  
Shas'o: Mont'au...

The Shas'o shakes his head and waves for the assembled Fire Caste personell back intot he ship.


End file.
